silent night.

it's strange how the world is silent
like the loss of one voice hollows all space
and removes my heart.
it's not that i'm hurt but numb
i cannot be entertained
i cannot be in pain
as my body burns
and my hope dies
i only wish to hear your voice
as my mind goes blind and deaf
i take my chance to scream;

i miss you

A love poem

a love poem is best whispered
in the ear of your lover
in between kisses
after euphoria

a love poem is best kept short
short enough to amuse
to long is, frankly,
Indolent
imagine;

as lovers kiss and smiles rush
and chemical burst
throughout bodys
he  leans  in
relaxes his
lips by her
ear and
whipsers
"happiness"

They say home is where the heart is; no wonder i'm so lost

this is just A way to say
i just want to B with you
like you just want to C me
you told me count to D I tried
the teacher gave me an E
and shit i want to F
but shit ain't i me, G
up up up a little closer to H
but that's just not how my I sees it
ya know what i'm saying, capiche, cool K?
lalala drop the L
cause ya know you gotta stop M
ain't N'y way
To let this go-o-o-O
so take a piss in the street, sorry P
for those who like it neat well how bout a dose of Q
or R they to "off"
S just not straight enough
i got to T
U filthy little prick
i'll destroy a V
W and double me
the number 3, finding X
knowing Y
we never even dreamed of Z

and she is the circumference of my brain

Consider this stalled inspiration
while skin does touch skin
you feel like completion
and i, I feel right.
for the first
time
I
can
remember
and you are the
circumference of my brain

Don't just do something, stand there.

everyone just seems to be tangent
everything just seems to be tangent
like my strength is fading
and the light from the window pane
is crushing my chest
unable to move; i sit
i don't deserve
i don't do
but every now and then
I sing

then the people came
from miles around
came to watch me wither
alone in my bed
said i was beautiful
beyond that of the blue-eyed boy
hiding in pictures behind raindrops
and cigarettes
we knew i'd someday fade.

you don't always have to do something
you don't always have to deserve

everyone looked so tangent
everything looked so tangent

so i closed my eyes
and lied alone in bed
we all fade

I don't really know how to say what i'm thinking.
cause it's not really words
and dum dun dun dum SLAM SLAM SLAM
doesn't quite do the trick
but if you stripped away the lyrics
and left me with a piece you know i'd sing


just for the way it used to be
before all this shit, give credit to me
i'd do almost anything
don't ask what this treally means

cause i'm

falling out loud
nothing i know
think how i know

nothing about
the way that we play
come tomorrow

like a brand new a-bomb, drop it
middle finger in the air from my pit
watch it in the future, where you spit
oh hot damn well fuck it
look me in the eyes you can suck it
i know nothing but nothing
bring me back a lil something
when i get back you'll know there's something
darlin' why don't you just walk a mile.




falling out loud
nothing i know
think how i know

nothing about
the way that we play
come tomorrow

watch for the beat of my heart
to each new day a brand new start
look for tomorrow
the place i'm not
and the sun still rises

i'm nothing and scared

things i don't understand.

for some reason. I can't type in a circle. and what you have to understand. is that's how you should read this.
I hate.
not because. but.




I deserved that.


you do deserve better.

so maybe "optimist" isn't the right word, but it's the first word that comes to mind.

everyone needs to tell their life story, everyone needs a biggest fan.
if nothing else, this is a shot.



if i were an optimist i'd say
you could go to the moon
you could win gold in the olympics
you could become president
you could be noticed

more people care about the homeless
than the average man
that's you.
most people would sooner take your money
than lend you a dollar
have you ever tried asking?
i'm still being an optimist.

if i were an optimist i'd say

maybe you could be the one to fix me

and frankly from the irregularity of my heartbeat
and seeming coma-like-stasis of my brain

I'd say i'm an optimist.

or at least holding on. so please; hold on.

The silence of white.
This room is empty.
Before the first strum
before the first chord;
The leaking of color,
From my hand, it vibrates
Red
Orange
Blue
Indigo
Violet
White
And

Time slips
Faces move
Lips move
We move
Together
The push and pull
Tongues dancing
Hearts pulsing
And all is silent,
all is white.

This is December in my mind
Snow blowing ‘cross your face
Cross my heart, rewrite these lines
So even spring cannot erase

It’s hard to explain
Just what happens when you smile
Watching as the world around
Our Everything
 melts
Or shines
Recreating
Adapting
Glowing white,
Like silence

This is December in my mind
Snow blowing ‘cross your face
Cross my heart, rewrite these lines
So even spring cannot erase
The chill to shake your bones
The fear to call your own
I’ll sing to you a thousand times;
One last kiss to say goodbye
One last kiss to say goodbye
One last kiss to say goodbye
One last kiss to say goodbye    One last kiss to say goodbye        One last kiss to say goodbye

One last kiss to say goodbye

Impulse

everyone needs to tell their life story, everyone needs a biggest fan.
if nothing else, this is a shot.

so let's start at the beginning, the rising action, the times i have little to know memory. I was birthed. the night, I imagine, was cold. frigid even, The Man loved his wife then. every action has a consequence. every action is inconsequential. this night serves little to know purpose. I exist. oh yay, I exist. but who doesn't?

so let us fast foward, something i do remember, a first memory even.

Doing! mushrooms will always make that noise being crushed under my foot. in the background "you did what? why did you buy that for them?" The Man screamed at His Wife then, "like they need another toy!" first memory - anger.
there's little else to remember here. so let us fast forward.

I'm learning to read. I might be five now. reading the bible. The Man stayed away from His Wife then. "hands are for loving" but don't quote me, everything's fading. I became excited and told the man, so he went and got a stick. second memory - pain.
everything's fading, so let us fast forward.

"can we stay here to eat mommy?"
The Man loved his wife then.
"no, it's more expensive."
third memory - manipulation.
you get the point?
history repeats itself
I hate me.
I hate him
and i wear his face every day of my life.
and you wonder why i'm unhappy?
I know this may not be abnormal,
but you wonder why we're all unhappy?

there's little else to do, i know you, you know me, so let's do the little we can, and please, Hold on.

because i refuse to be original

"1, 2, on the field i remember you were incredible;"
"I'd swim the ocean for you"
"so take a bite of  my heart tonight"
"I've never wanted to dance with nobody but you"
"and i  guess i've always known my little crime would be cold"
"Turn forever hand in hand Take it all there on your stride It is ticking, falling down"

"I hope it rains, You’re the perfect lullaby"

"Tonight, I'mma fight 'Til we see the sunlight"
" i'm your biggest fan, i'll follow you until you love me"
" i've got the green light i got a little fight can you read my mind"

(my brain is the pioneer of nothing)

you never looked so beautiful
i'd do it all
take me; destroy me
you're all i want
i know you hate the boy i've been
but you can change it all as we fall
just let me sing you to sleep
and i'll be here all night
I do it all, do you love me?
do you know me?

(andplease, holdon)

Self-phobia

There is little more we can do for immortality, than to write
There is little more we can do to die, than to write
There is little more we can do; than to write

we breathe for survival, eat for survival, fuck for survival, we write to live, to kill, to be remembered, to die. Everything we want, need, hate, can't live with, and adore is in the words we're too afraid to just spill on to pages for fear of triumph

I'm so scared.

this is all a big mistake, every moment of my life i actually try for something is going to lead to nothing, everything i envy is little more than the illusion i have constructed of happiness. Nothing is ever as good as you imagine it. Nothing is ever as good as the original. nothing's as good as coke, nothing's as good as lauren (nothing's as awful either) nothing will compare to the lost first kiss the moments of bliss.

I was so scared.
I didn't even know what's going on, and

I am so scared
that i'll never figure out what to do.

I'm so scared, but I promies to hold on.
please, hold on. 

We are all so connected. i desperately wish we knew it.

as rain marks time on your window, did you know i was standing right out side? singing in the rain is never as jolly as it's connotation. headlights pass me, and frankly i don't care. the rain drips as if to wash away my fear, or build my courage to walk to your door.
Vindicated would be on the radio.
do not be mistaken, this is not a happy story.
In the end, i'm lonely, even with a girl to scream i love you at my crooked smiles crooked wish."I am selfish, I am wrong" i want to be kissed, so badly. I want  to roll over in my bed and put my arm around a girl that i'm so in love with. I want meaning, I want validation. "I am right, I swear I'm right." it has nothing to do with sex, as a virgin, i find that i care very little about sex (i'm also an 18 year old male, if nothing else, this last little bit should help you understand the name of the blog.) I just want someone who makes my heart feel as if it might burst out of my chest and fuse with hers in some sort of awful, wonderful, perfect mess.

oh, yeah. i'm a walking contradiction
I don't care would be on the radio
 there's little else to say except "I don't care what you think, as long as it's about me" and Fall Out Boy is unfortunately catchy. the worst part of dreaming is waking up, and still being lonely.

sorry for the emo-blog.
but please, hold on.

everytime i slay a dragon i'm looking for eagles.

my life is no more interesting than that of the next guys; I guarantee it. yet, very much like the next guy, i feel the need to regurgitate my every thought onto the world wide web. every word I've typed so far has made me feel even less interesting than i already viewed myself. because yes, the first two sentences the title, and this very word are lies.

if you're reading this; you know me
if you know me; you know what i'm about to say
if you know what i'm about to say, then why are you still reading?

every story has rising action, a climax, and falling action. the latter being least entertaining, and inaccurately named, and the state i'm constantly living in. my problems are solved by running to the end of the book, it truly works wonders, but i need a disaster, full fledged hospital bound are-we-gonna-make it disaster. and how wonderful, i live in a false world, where fairy tales are held in the non-fiction sections of libraries, physics and Cinderella. my perfection. my life.

but for those of you who don't know me. I am Michael anthony DeRoos. the aptly and falsely named. i am the father, son, and motherfucking holy spirit, and i love you. because i have little else i can do. i don't know you, or the colour of your eyes, or your brain, or your skin. I have no preconceived judgments. i am completely ignorant of your flaws and yes, despite what you chose to post on myspace in junior high, this is love. I hope that as you learn more about me than the three posted lies, you'll find my words, if not my life, interesting enough to read the next line. 

follow me and please, hold on.